Jailbreak

Ever since I can remember, I've struggled with finding confidence in my personality as well as my physical appearance.  I've spent the majority of my life depending on others' opinions in my search for true happiness. Due to that mindset, I've accumulated various ideas of who I'm supposed to be, who I'm expected to be, and how I'll be accepted in general.  However, after 21 years of life, I have finally achieved the true understanding and "a ha" moment that has been in front of me all along.

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the secret to happiness or the answer to each and every one of my problems, but it is the breath of fresh air that I've been gasping for all along.  For the past 3 years, I've spent a large amount of my time fighting depression and anxiety.  These "diseases/disorders" have seemed impossible to overcome and in result, I have pretty much given up on the idea that I will ever find my happiness, my destiny, and most of all, myself.  I have continuously ridden the emotional roller coaster that I originally produced in my mind and I've ended up disappointed and, what seems like, eternally frustrated.  The truth of it is that depression, anxiety, and panic are all mind games.  With every person's opinion, you either move up three spaces, back one space, or worst of all, caught in the jail of pessimism.  Surrounded by negativity, you lose hope and conclude to the answer that you're stuck, you're in a "funk", and you'll never be able to break free of it.  All in all, you feel defeated by life.

There is a fine line between the opinions that are constantly thrown at you and the advice that is miraculously going to affect your entire outlook on life.  As long as you can distinguish the difference between what's worth it and what's not, you are honestly destined to reach the keys to your cell and prison break the absolute best and most valued version of yourself.  Each person has their own morals, desires, and goals for improvement, so the hardest thing for us to collectively agree upon is the definition of a superb human being.  What matters most is that you gather and save every lesson, experience, and piece of admirable information that you have ever crossed to ultimately compile your definition. Whether it's a phrase heard from a co-worker, a quote from a movie/song, or a sliver of knowledge that you actually absorbed from a textbook, store it in your lifelong hard drive of a brain and never let it slip away.

When I'm feeling most vulnerable, dark, and hopeless, I tend to sync every bad thing that is occurring in my life and put the good aside.  I dwell on the words and actions that are hurting me until I reach a state of distress.  Once I grasp that state, I begin overanalyzing everything until eventually I start pulling the files of the good things from the draft folder and converting them to bad because of the cynical perspective that I have inadvertently constructed.  I surrender myself to depression without even attempting to plead my case.

The psychiatric definition of depression is "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason."  I used to think that it was just something that I was born with or inherited genetically, that it's a permanent incurable disease.  With the help of a few recent hateful opinions, I have legitimately convinced myself that I am crazy and destined to live the rest of my life locked in a padded room at a "looney bin".  I immediately assume that everyone thinks that I'm insane and weird, even if they've only known me for 5 minutes.  I've latched onto a few words sent to me in a message on Facebook from a girl that has never even met me and doesn't know a damn thing about me other than what she heard from someone or saw in some text messages.  However, I am choosing to move those words into the trash bin, along with all of the other negative assumptions that people have openly expressed.

I found the spare key to my handcuffs: depression is a mindset that is structured by withholding the impressions that each and every surrounding individual has released into your life, saving and storing them in your psyche, and composing your perspective based upon the pessimistic connotations that you have acquired.  It is the blurred line between which opinions are insignificant to you, and which advice and knowledge you value for your own path of self improvement.  To simplify that, I'll share one of Dr. Seuss' most popular quotes:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Import every piece of information, every ounce of knowledge, and every word that is said, read, thought, or felt.  Instead of moving it all into the same file, sort the good from the bad and decide what needs to be dragged to the trash bin and deleted from your internal software. Don't let yourself give into depression and stress, and don't panic over the thought of your weaknesses.

Find your key, release your handcuffs, shed the orange suit, and jump the fence.  Sprint forward, never turn back, and embrace the happiness that you deserve.  Jailbreak.

The Verve

As you can probably tell, it has been quite awhile since my last post.  However, I've experienced a lot of changes lately that have motivated me to pick up where I left off.  Someone told me once that the universe gives you signs about your fate.  While we as human beings are the only ones who can actually make our day-to-day decisions, the proposal of these universal signs prompted me to pay more attention to my surroundings.  I've always been a big believer in fate and the whole "everything happens for a reason" cliche because every issue or challenge that we encounter is part of the continuous lesson of life.  Each and every person is there to teach us about who we desire to be as well as to help us determine our standards for friendships and relationships.  We receive universal signs as our own personal radar to eliminate those that fall below the standards.  For example, I had this incredible best friend for about 3 years.  We were so close that we constantly joked about having the same brain, and we never really fought.  After living together for a year, our friendship dissolved and it absolutely broke my heart.  I couldn't figure out what happened and did everything possible to fix whatever was broken, but after months of trying, it began to feel hopeless and I eventually gave up.  I had finally come to the conclusion that we had changed and we weren't meant to be in each others' lives anymore.  We were both obsessed with musicals and we had certain songs that we liked to sing together in the car.  This one day I was driving along and "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve came on my iPod.  Within 30 seconds of the song's intro, I found myself driving right past my old friend.  I was so in shock that I wasn't even sure how to react, so I slowly lifted my hand and waved, but unfortunately, he just looked at me, smirked, and kept on driving as if I didn't exist.  I knew right then and there that my conclusion had been correct.  We were originally in each others' lives for a reason.  I met Adam because he was there to help me find the real me: the girl that loves to do goofy impressions, fart out loud in public, and research the shit out of Lady Gaga's symbolism.  I am thankful every day for what he did for me and our memories will never fade.  I'm not sure if I impacted his life, but I do know that I helped him realize that he doesn't want to be friends with people that are pessimistic and negative.  It was bitter to lose such an adventurous and amazing friendship, but it sure was sweet to have him for the time that I did.  It's safe to say that he was my verve.