Jailbreak

Ever since I can remember, I've struggled with finding confidence in my personality as well as my physical appearance.  I've spent the majority of my life depending on others' opinions in my search for true happiness. Due to that mindset, I've accumulated various ideas of who I'm supposed to be, who I'm expected to be, and how I'll be accepted in general.  However, after 21 years of life, I have finally achieved the true understanding and "a ha" moment that has been in front of me all along.

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's the secret to happiness or the answer to each and every one of my problems, but it is the breath of fresh air that I've been gasping for all along.  For the past 3 years, I've spent a large amount of my time fighting depression and anxiety.  These "diseases/disorders" have seemed impossible to overcome and in result, I have pretty much given up on the idea that I will ever find my happiness, my destiny, and most of all, myself.  I have continuously ridden the emotional roller coaster that I originally produced in my mind and I've ended up disappointed and, what seems like, eternally frustrated.  The truth of it is that depression, anxiety, and panic are all mind games.  With every person's opinion, you either move up three spaces, back one space, or worst of all, caught in the jail of pessimism.  Surrounded by negativity, you lose hope and conclude to the answer that you're stuck, you're in a "funk", and you'll never be able to break free of it.  All in all, you feel defeated by life.

There is a fine line between the opinions that are constantly thrown at you and the advice that is miraculously going to affect your entire outlook on life.  As long as you can distinguish the difference between what's worth it and what's not, you are honestly destined to reach the keys to your cell and prison break the absolute best and most valued version of yourself.  Each person has their own morals, desires, and goals for improvement, so the hardest thing for us to collectively agree upon is the definition of a superb human being.  What matters most is that you gather and save every lesson, experience, and piece of admirable information that you have ever crossed to ultimately compile your definition. Whether it's a phrase heard from a co-worker, a quote from a movie/song, or a sliver of knowledge that you actually absorbed from a textbook, store it in your lifelong hard drive of a brain and never let it slip away.

When I'm feeling most vulnerable, dark, and hopeless, I tend to sync every bad thing that is occurring in my life and put the good aside.  I dwell on the words and actions that are hurting me until I reach a state of distress.  Once I grasp that state, I begin overanalyzing everything until eventually I start pulling the files of the good things from the draft folder and converting them to bad because of the cynical perspective that I have inadvertently constructed.  I surrender myself to depression without even attempting to plead my case.

The psychiatric definition of depression is "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason."  I used to think that it was just something that I was born with or inherited genetically, that it's a permanent incurable disease.  With the help of a few recent hateful opinions, I have legitimately convinced myself that I am crazy and destined to live the rest of my life locked in a padded room at a "looney bin".  I immediately assume that everyone thinks that I'm insane and weird, even if they've only known me for 5 minutes.  I've latched onto a few words sent to me in a message on Facebook from a girl that has never even met me and doesn't know a damn thing about me other than what she heard from someone or saw in some text messages.  However, I am choosing to move those words into the trash bin, along with all of the other negative assumptions that people have openly expressed.

I found the spare key to my handcuffs: depression is a mindset that is structured by withholding the impressions that each and every surrounding individual has released into your life, saving and storing them in your psyche, and composing your perspective based upon the pessimistic connotations that you have acquired.  It is the blurred line between which opinions are insignificant to you, and which advice and knowledge you value for your own path of self improvement.  To simplify that, I'll share one of Dr. Seuss' most popular quotes:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Import every piece of information, every ounce of knowledge, and every word that is said, read, thought, or felt.  Instead of moving it all into the same file, sort the good from the bad and decide what needs to be dragged to the trash bin and deleted from your internal software. Don't let yourself give into depression and stress, and don't panic over the thought of your weaknesses.

Find your key, release your handcuffs, shed the orange suit, and jump the fence.  Sprint forward, never turn back, and embrace the happiness that you deserve.  Jailbreak.

The Verve

As you can probably tell, it has been quite awhile since my last post.  However, I've experienced a lot of changes lately that have motivated me to pick up where I left off.  Someone told me once that the universe gives you signs about your fate.  While we as human beings are the only ones who can actually make our day-to-day decisions, the proposal of these universal signs prompted me to pay more attention to my surroundings.  I've always been a big believer in fate and the whole "everything happens for a reason" cliche because every issue or challenge that we encounter is part of the continuous lesson of life.  Each and every person is there to teach us about who we desire to be as well as to help us determine our standards for friendships and relationships.  We receive universal signs as our own personal radar to eliminate those that fall below the standards.  For example, I had this incredible best friend for about 3 years.  We were so close that we constantly joked about having the same brain, and we never really fought.  After living together for a year, our friendship dissolved and it absolutely broke my heart.  I couldn't figure out what happened and did everything possible to fix whatever was broken, but after months of trying, it began to feel hopeless and I eventually gave up.  I had finally come to the conclusion that we had changed and we weren't meant to be in each others' lives anymore.  We were both obsessed with musicals and we had certain songs that we liked to sing together in the car.  This one day I was driving along and "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve came on my iPod.  Within 30 seconds of the song's intro, I found myself driving right past my old friend.  I was so in shock that I wasn't even sure how to react, so I slowly lifted my hand and waved, but unfortunately, he just looked at me, smirked, and kept on driving as if I didn't exist.  I knew right then and there that my conclusion had been correct.  We were originally in each others' lives for a reason.  I met Adam because he was there to help me find the real me: the girl that loves to do goofy impressions, fart out loud in public, and research the shit out of Lady Gaga's symbolism.  I am thankful every day for what he did for me and our memories will never fade.  I'm not sure if I impacted his life, but I do know that I helped him realize that he doesn't want to be friends with people that are pessimistic and negative.  It was bitter to lose such an adventurous and amazing friendship, but it sure was sweet to have him for the time that I did.  It's safe to say that he was my verve.

Embers

Have you ever felt like your ship has sunken so low that you're literally stuck at rock bottom? For instance, Kristen Wiig's character from Bridesmaids slowly loses everything throughout the movie, even her best friend.  You feel like nothing in life is going right and there's nothing you can do to fix it. You're in a funk, and not even your friends can help because your depression brings them down.  Therefore, they begin to slowly slip away and when your friends are gone, you have nothing and no one to help pick you back up.  However, Wiig's mother gives her a simple yet powerful piece of advice.  "The good thing about being at the bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up." This is the point where you need to take the little piece of hope that's left in your soul and gradually begin piecing everything back together.  The only place to start is with yourself.  You've gotta figure out why things are going wrong.  What are you doing wrong?  Is it your attitude? Most likely.  Everything seems bad when you have a negative outlook.  It all comes down to a little thing called paranoia.  It's one of the worst diseases you could possibly catch because it grows inside of you and eventually begins eating away at your mind, body, and faith.  Thankfully, there's a cure.  Sure, you should never be completely careless, but there are things in life that are worth truly caring about, just as there are things that should be brushed away instantly.  As soon as you begin thinking more positively and cleansing yourself of the paranoia, you'll suddenly notice that your life is getting better and better.  You'll find yourself sailing back to the surface.  As for your friends, they'll forgive you for your period of pessimism.  After all, everyone goes through times like this, and we've all witnessed our friends going through it a time or two.  "We are all embers from the some fire."  Everyone makes mistakes, but it's a lot easier to make it back to the surface if you've only sunken a few feet, so swim for the buoy if you feel yourself starting to sink.

Part of Me

"This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me."  Since last night, I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I am and who I want to be.  So if you don't know a lot about me, I'm here to fill you in.  I love to laugh and joke around more than I like to be serious.  I'm typically a pretty hyper person and my jokes/references are sometimes too provocative and maybe a little offensive to some people, but it's who I am.  I try not to think too much before I speak because I like to say what I want to say and when I want to say it.  I make a lot of Dane Cook references because he is my all time favorite comedian for obvious reasons. I'm very open about things that "normal" people would be private about... especially "normal" girls.  On the spectrum of the girly and tomboy descriptions, I consider myself to fall somewhere in the middle.  I feel ugly if I don't wear makeup and have my hair fixed, but I don't like to dress up that often.  I'm a t shirt and jeans kind of a girl.  I'd prefer to wear a neon tanktop with skinny jeans and my Nike high tops to a party rather than heels and a dress that's completely uncomfortable.  My room is spraypainted with neon colors, not pink with princess decorations.  Some people say that I act too much like a "bro" but I don't think a "bro" would walk around with makeup on and highlights in his hair.  I like pretty much any type of music.  Some days I'm listening to my classic rock playlists and some days I'm belting out glee mashups.  I live for horror and gory movies.  I love to dance, even though sometimes I look ridiculous.  Me and my roommate are going to start a flash mob and perform on campus by the time we graduate.  Lastly, I have two tattoos.  One of them is located in the middle of my shoulders and it says "don't stop believin'" and the other is on the inside of my bicep on my left arm.  It's the libra balance symbol and it means to keep balance in your life.  Anyways, now you have an idea of who I am.  Well in the past few months, I've felt the need to try and change who I am to be more appealing to guys and more respected by my friends.  I've been dressing more fashionably for class, thinking way too hard before I send a text to a guy, and even holding off on changing into my comfy clothes when I get home.  I've been trying so hard to convince myself that that's how I should be, that I need to be more "normal".  But then last night, I realized that I don't want to be "normal".  I don't want to be in a stereotype.  I want to be exactly who I am and I don't want anyone to try and change me.  If you don't like me for me, then get out of my life because there's no room for haters.  My point in all of this is to be you and only you.  You can't let other people's opinions get in the way of who you really are.  Don't live your life trying to impress everyone, because it will never happen.  There will always be people that have something bad to say about you and when those people come around, distance yourself because they are not worth the trouble.  Just be comfortable with yourself and when you look in the mirror, make sure YOU'RE happy with who YOU are.  Your opinion of yourself comes first and foremost.  Now don't get me wrong, there is always room for improvement.  For instance, I have terrible study skills and I could stand to exercise more often, but those are the things that I have to fix for myself because it'll be better for me in the long run.  But I'm not gonna starve myself to look like what some people refer to as "beautiful" just because some guy doesn't appreciate my curves.  It's important to remember that giving your heart to someone is okay, just don't give them all of you.  You are no one's property but your own.  Love yourself and be proud of who you are, cause chances are, you're an amazing person underneath the "normal" disguise.

Never let go

So I'm gonna start this one off a little differently than usual.  There's not a specific quote or song that inspired these thoughts, just my heart I guess.  There are so many great people, places, and values that we come across in life. Whether it's a best friend or a favorite picture, we latch onto them like a leech.  When we truly care about these things, we can't give them up, no matter what.  Even if it takes a tough fight and some blood, sweat, and tears.  These are our dreams, our miracles, our saviors.  Without them, we could never survive.  Our families and friends are at the top of the list.  But then comes our education, our careers, and our desires.  Right now, as a sophomore in college, it is easy to get distracted and forget the main reason of why I'm here, in this apartment, at school in Blacksburg, Virginia.  I'm here to study, to do well, and to achieve my goals.  However, sometimes I find myself worrying way too much about what I'm going to do this weekend, who I'm going to hang out with, what I'm going to drink, and of course, which guy is going to talk to me.  I get way too caught up in worrying about these stupid things that my goals seem as though they've faded away.  Yes, it's necessary to have fun every once in awhile, but it's extremely important to stay focused on your dreams, because without my education, I'll never get where I want to go.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is keep hold of what you want and never let go.  Don't let the little things get in the way of the big things.  But remember to maintain balance.  Have fun, go out to parties, hang out with your friends, hang out with guys (the good ones at least), and allow yourself some time to relax.  But keep your priorities straight and keep your head in the game.  Don't ever stop caring, because as soon as you do, your whole world will come crumbling down.  So hold on tight, and NEVER let go.

Still An Innocent

"It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights is still bright to me, oh, who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent.  It's okay, life is a tough crowd, 32, and still growin' up now. Who you are is not what you did.  You're still an innocent."  Growing up is just about the hardest task that life throws at you.  Each year passes and you get excited to finally be independent, but it's not as great as it seems.  Sure it's nice to live on your own, have no curfew, and basically do whatever you want.  But then there's also the baggage that comes with it.  The pressure to be successful, the need for money, and the emotional stress.  Life is moving so fast and there's no reversing it.  Remember those days when the most exciting thing to happen during the day was recess? When all you wanted was to get home to play with your barbies? The only excitement that I have right now is if I somehow manage to get a good grade on something or if I have alcohol in my possession.  Even then, I still find myself worrying about a million things when I attempt to fall asleep at last night.  I'm one of those people that overanalyzes everything at all times.  Whether it's a text message with a period at the end, or a "rude" stare from someone that I don't even know, I let it upset me.  I worry my life away instead of enjoying the good things.  So I found myself listening to this Taylor Swift song the other night and it brought back memories of being a kid and having no worries.  There were no boys to rain on my parade, the only money that I needed was monopoly money, and my biggest success was climbing to the top of the jungle gym.  It's important to accept responsibility as we grow older, but just because I'm 19 doesn't mean I can't settle in for a date night with Aladdin.  From now on, don't "worry", just take out your stress on some Hulkhands.  No matter where you've been or where you're going, deep down you're still an innocent.

Memories

"Life's all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever. But what if one day you could no longer remember any of them?"  We face good and evil in our everyday lives.  We experience excitement, pain, fear, and worst of all, sorrow.  But all of these experiences make us who we are.  Without the broken hearts, the tragedies, the stupid fights we have with our friends, and the failing test grades, how would we know what to improve?  In the movie The Vow, Rachel McAdams wakes up after overcoming a horrible brain injury from a car accident and has no memory of a certain era of her life.  Could you even imagine? What would you do, think, and feel? Her character says "it's like a do-over for my life".  But really, we should live without regrets.  We should never feel like we need a do-over because frankly, we wouldn't be ourselves without each and every memory that we have.  Rachel's character is different after the accident because she's missing that gap of knowledge.  I personally can say that I have had some rough experiences in my 19 and a half years of life, and I've learned so many lessons because of them.  Those are the experiences that have made me a better person.  Next time you're feeling upset over something, just think about what you've gained.  Whether it be a bad drug/alcohol experience or a bad approach for showing interest in a guy, you now know what not to do.  However, there are times when we make the same wrong decision on multiple occasions.  These are the hardest times because we know after the first time that we shouldn't put ourselves through more pain but we live in the moment, and sometimes that's just how it's meant to be.  Eventually we grow tired of the negative impact that these wrong decisions put on our lives and we gain the strength to make the better decisions.  So keep your memories and don't try to erase them because A) it's merely impossible and B) memories make us who we are.  Appreciate life because you never know how instantly it could change.